Guns for Killing Monsters

TIS THE SEASON FOR BINGE WATCHING HORROR MOVIES, and getting that fuzzy-brained feeling after your fourth or fifth Friday the 13th flick.

But when gun people watch horror movies, it can be a different experience, especially if they are fond of yelling at the screen. In most horror movies, the presence of a gun, and someone who knows how to use it, would immediately change the power balance. Leatherface and his chainsaw don’t seem so scary if you have a 12-gauge in hand.

And, if you think about it long enough, which we did, there’s even a right gun and ammo combo for those pesky supernatural critters that coming calling in the dead of night.

We created a list of baddies and then we each took a stab at coming up with the ideal firearm to face them. See how you feel about our choices:

Dracula / Vampires

Vampires are tough, because the source material for almost all vampire myths that we know if is Bram Stoker’s 1897 novel Dracula. (If you dig into the myths and legends Stoker borrowed from to create his fictional count, they are quite a bit different from what we think of, and see in movies, as vampires.)

And in 1897, firearms were already quite effective machines, and Dracula’s powers and weaknesses (and therefore the powers and weaknesses of almost all vampires afterward) are almost tailored to be immune to firearms.

In most vampire movies, you need a special material to kill the undead bloodsuckers, whether it be a wooden stake, or, as we see in more modern movies like the Blade flicks, silver—regular guns and ammunition won’t cut it.

When it comes to what I’d carry, for me it’s a tie, between Wesley Snipes’ highly modified MAC-11s loaded with those silver nitrate rounds from Blade, and Selene’s H&K USP Match loaded with those UV bullets from Underworld.

If we’re talking about the variety of vamps that can only be killed by a wooden stake, we might have to get a little more inventive. There’s an old school trick that involves using a .410 shotgun shell, with the shot removed and the shot cup remaining, and an arrow. You strip the fletching and knock from the arrow (or don’t attach them if it’s a new arrow) and set it in the barrel of a smoothbore shotgun, with the back of the shaft resting in the shot cup…and fire.

No, really. Watch these guys do it:

While it’s not the safest thing in the world, if you’re coming up against a couple of vampires, a double-barreled .410 that fires some sharpened wooden stakes seems like a pretty solid choice, and I’m pretty sure you could pull this off with a pump gun too. —DM

Tom’s Response:

Silver nitrate rounds? Nice. I like it. Dave, as you know, you can never be too careful with vampires, so I might consider packing a backup gun as well. I happen to know that the National Firearms Museum has a Colt Detective Special socked away in Case J of the Robert E. Petersen Collection. This engraved beauty comes packed in a coffin-shaped case filled with mandatory vampire hunting accessories.

Obviously, it comes with silver bullets, but these are even special. Each one is molded with the face of a vampire-killing demon. If nothing else, they look plenty scary. Oh, and there’s a bottle of Holy water and a wooden stake (very sharp!) with an ergonomic handle. After all, you don’t want to get blisters from high-volume vampire skewering.

It looks like there’s enough Holy Water to dip those Silver Nitrate bullets for the MAC-11 as well. I’m thinking it’s a good idea to pack this in a Galco Ankle Glove for last-ditch emergencies.

The only flaw in this plan is getting our hands on that nifty little revolver. I’m going to watch Ocean’s 11 one more time for inspiration on how to lift it from the museum undetected. They’re not using it. —TM

Frankenstein’s Monster

Here’s one challenge with Dr. Frankenstein’s boy toy. Anything held together with large bolts has got to be tough, exceptionally tough. If my head were mounted to my body with 1-1/4” Hex bolts, I wouldn’t be scared of puny handguns or rifles. Oh, and the other thing? He/it doesn’t seem to speak any discernible language, so that whole “Stop or I’ll shoot!” warning strategy goes right out the window.

This leaves you with a need for absolute knockdown power. Knowing that handguns don’t really have that, I’m going old school for an old monster. How about a Holland and Holland Royal Double Rifle chambered in .465 H&H?

Holland and his other brother Holland have been making guns since 1835, so it’s even era-appropriate. You have to pick this one up in their London Gun Room, but somehow that seems to fit. It’ll set you back about $110,000, but money’s no object when it comes to dealing with Hollywood horror movie icons.

While the question of whether a Holland Holland Royal will take him down remains uncertain, at least until tested in the next movie, I do have an idea for a diversion that will buy you valuable time to escape. Ready? Dragon’s Breath.

No, I’m not talking about Smaug’s oral odors after a long night on the town. I’m talking about Dragon’s Breath shotgun shells. These 12-gauge pyro-techno wonders spew a 100-foot flame from the fiery end of your shotgun. We all know that big and tough grunt-y guy is afraid of fire. —TM

Dave’s Response

I dig your choice, Tom, and while there’s something fitting about using a classic Holland & Holland double on such a classic monster, I wouldn’t want to go for knockdown power and sacrifice capacity. Those slow monsters have a way of just coming at you, over and over.

So, why compromise? I’m going to go with an Alexander Arms AR-15 rifle chambered in .50 Beowulf.

If you’re not familiar, the .50 Beowulf is a caliber created by AA to allow the AR-15 platform to generate huge stopping power at short to moderate ranges, especially for U.S. soldiers manning road checkpoints in Iraq and Afghanistan. They needed something that would be compatible with current military equipment, but could also take out the engine of an oncoming vehicle. So it’s safe to say the round has some stank on it.

Hunters have since used it to harvest everything from hogs and deer to elf, buffalo, and bear, so I think it can give old Bolts N’ Stitches a little trouble.Since recoil is an issue, I’ll go with the Alexander Arms .50 Beowulf Tactical Complete rifle with a “Tank” muzzle brake and a Geissele SSA trigger.

The rounds are pretty big, so you don’t get typical AR capacity here. I’ll go with two 10-round magazines taped together jungle style. That’s 20 rounds of .50 caliber goodness coming at you, Frankie. Can’t come at me if you’re not stitched together anymore, now can ya?

And if I need more, I can always grab some regular STANAG AR-15 magazines, file down the front lip and tweak the feed lips a little, which converts them from double-stack 5.56mm mags to single-stack .50 Beowulf mags.

If both of your .465 H&H rounds miss, I’ll cover you so you can reload 🙂 —DM

The Wolf-Man / Werewolves

The Wolfman is pretty easy right? The legends specifically mention silver bullets as the best way to dispatch a werewolf, and there are precious few movies that say otherwise—and most of the ones that do make the werewolf even more vulnerable, often susceptible to regular bullets, or anything else that would kill an animal its size (see American Werewolf in London).

Heck, the original Wolf Man played by Lon Chaney Jr. wasn’t even killed by a gun; he was beaten to death by his father, played by Claude Raines, with a cane bearing a substantial silver handle.

That being said, a werewolf’s speed, ferocity, and power make it not only terrifying, but also not so simple to shoot.

So I’m going to go with a 12-gauge pump action shotgun (we don’t need a semi-auto jamming as a giant werewolf bears down on us) with a 3-inch chamber —so let’s say a Mossberg 590A1—loaded with 3-inch magnum shells to match, full of 00 Buck shot of pure silver.

I mean, you don’t know if you have to hit it in the heart, or if pegging it with some silver anywhere will poison it, so let’s not take a chance.

And because I’ve seen the movies, I’m also going to go with two H&K P30L pistols with match weights and extended magazines, chambered in 9mm and loaded with some silver bullets jacketed in that Syntech polymer coating, as a backup.

Also, if you do some digging, most of the nonsense about full moons and silver was invented by Hollywood screenwriters in the 1940s, so just in case the silver doesn’t quite do the trick when we run into an actual werewolf, I’ll keep a few lead shotgun slugs in an on-board shell carrier, just in case. —DM

Tom’s Response:

Dave, I can get behind the power of a shotgun with buckshot and agree that 00 silver pellets will finish the job. However, I have some concerns. Werewolves are fast, at least some of the ones I’ve seen in Hollywood documentaries are. With fast moving targets, I’m going to want a lot more ammo capacity than a shotgun offers. As I think through this, it’s kind of like the .45 ACP vs. 9mm argument.

On the big bore side of the argument, people rely on their marksmanship and only believe they’ll need a couple of shots. On the other hand, against multiple fast-moving targets, higher capacity will sure come in handy.

I’m going to choose something that not only has big capacity but the ability to reload quickly. My choice? A Springfield Armory M1A SOCOM 16 CQB. It’s a .308, so there’s plenty of oomph. It’s got a 20-round box magazine so you can carry a bandoleer of spares for quick reloads.

Being ten inches shorter than a standard M1A I figure it’ll be quick to swing on moving targets and compact enough for close range and indoor work. I’ll stick and Aimpoint PRO optic on the forward rail segment for accurate sighting even in low-light conditions. —TM

The Mummy

The problem that mummies share with many other monsters is that they’re particularly hard to kill because they’re already dead. However, mummies take it a step further. All of their internal organs, which you might potentially consider destroying, aren’t under all those Ace bandages. They’re packed away in an old Miracle Whip bottle in some secret tomb. Maybe that’s why they’re irritable enough to kill so many “B” movie extras.

Unless you have the ability to cast supernatural counter curses, you’re left with physical means. To me, that means fire. While we could cheat and use the same Dragon’s Breath shells we stock for Frankenstein monster encounters, I want something that will stick until the job is done. So, my choice is the Crosman Pioneer Air Bow.

It comes with nine arrows, but I’ll be modifying mine. Since the tips are exposed out of the muzzle, I’m thinking I’ll concoct a classic flaming arrow using pitch and a touch of white phosphorus. See where I’m headed? Instead of a bullet that’ll zip through empty, rotting bandages, my arrows will stick in place so the flaming goo can do its job.

Obviously, I’ll sink whatever remains into a pool of mercury for long-term protection. —TM

Dave’s Response:

Like you said, Tom, mummies usually require some kind of curse or magic book to get rid of them for good. Those guns Brendan Frasier used in The Mummy (1999) didn’t seem to do much good, did they? And the only time I’ve seen a weapon kill a mummy was in Monster Squad and that was a compound bow, so I have to say, you made a good choice, plus you added fire.

But I’ve used the AirBow, and I’d be worried about the reload time, which is better but comparable to a crossbow. Plus you only have about 8 full-power shots in total before you have to refill the on-board air tank.

I agree, the mummy’s gotta burn. But he has to be fended off as well. I’m going to go with a double set-up: a Glock G41 loaded with some Glaser Safety Slugs, and a U.S. Army M9 flamethrower.

The Glock is to keep Band-Aid Breath at bay, while the Glaser rounds are to help ensure any bullets that go through his dusty old corpse don’t end up harming innocent would-be strangulation victims hanging around.

Glaser Safety Slugs are frangible rounds that are tightly packed with bird shot. When they hit a soft target, they create large damaging wounds that will help slow the mummy down and break him up, but if the bullets go through his bones and bandages and hit a window, a wall, or a car nearby, they’ll turn to a puff of lead and not penetrate.

Once he’s in range and away from victims, I’m free to light him up with the flamethrower. And let’s put the biggest mag we can find in that Glock, just because I don’t need to be chased by a mummy that’s also on fire. —DM

Zombies

Well, this is hardly new ground to tread upon. Fans of The Walking Dead have argued ad nauseam about what’s the best gun to dispatch a zombie, or hordes of zombies. It depends a bit on what breed of zombie we’re talking about here.

If we’re talking about the rage-filled, speedy zombies like the ones from 28 Days Later or the more cerebral type from The Crazies, then the choice is something that will have light recoil for fast follow up shots, and you want a good ammo capacity in case of multiple targets. Plus, you need a round substantial enough to turn a zombie head into a hollowed-out pumpkin, but it doesn’t have to get through armor, or even plywood—zombies aren’t know to take cover.

I have to say an AR-platform rifle chambered in 5.56mm/.223 Rem seems to be the best choice, and ammunition is plentiful. Plus, full-auto fire, if you have a fun switch, is viable for horde-type situations.

The key is avoiding reloads as much as possible, so it’s a 100-round drum mag to start with several 40-round mags for reloads, and an M4-length carbine or shorter, so as to cut down on weight as much as possible, plus a sturdy sling.

If I’m dealing with the more rotten corpse variety of zombie, a Ruger 10/22 rifle fitted in an Archangel AA556R-EX chassis converted to .22 Magnum with the biggest magazine I can find should do plenty to punch holes in those rotting melons. —DM

Tom’s Response:

Dave, I’d watch your back if you brought a couple of AR-15 rifles. I have no qualms about the ability of that caliber to do the job, and I like the capacity. As everyone knows, when the Zombies come they’ll travel in hordes numbering tens, hundreds, and maybe thousands. .223 ammo is fairly light considering its effectiveness, so we ought to be able to pack a few hundred round each without too many visits to Planet Fitness between now and the Zombie Apocalypse.

So here’s our deal. You bring the rifle, and I’ll bring the suppressors. Everyone knows that Zombies are attracted to noise so any help we can get knocking down the very loud sound signature of the AR-15 will be much appreciated. I’d rather hunt them on our own terms than face another shambling horde attracted to the gunshots.

I’ve been using a SilencerCo Saker 556 the past couple of years, and it works like a champ. Fairly compact and light, it does an admirable job of quieting the blast. Of course, the other benefit of the suppressor is that the undead brain-eaters won’t be able to tell which direction the sound is coming from—another advantage for us.

I’m glad you brought up .22 rimfire options. I’ve always figured that even .22LR would do the job on Zombies. While I haven’t yet had the opportunity to test it, my understanding is that you simply have to hit whatever is left of that rotting brain so caliber shouldn’t really be an issue. If that proves out, I might make the switch to an integrally suppressed Ruger 10/22. Talk about quiet and stealthy. —TM

Ghosts, Spooks, Specters

Ghosts and other ethereal threats got you down? No problem. While at first, you might think firearms would be completely ineffective for ghost deterrence, a deeper look at the subject will lead you right to a shotgun. Here’s why.

As everyone knows, ghosts really, really dislike salt. They also hate iron, but shooting hunks of iron tends to nullify the warranty on your new shotgun barrel. Anyway, I figure some rock salt 12-gauge loads will work well for longer range applications and maybe some lighter Morton’s Table Salt shells will meet the need for indoor use.

The gun is an easy choice. I’m going with a Beretta 1301 Tactical model with a Mesa Tactical Urbino Pistol Grip Stock. I’ll add a Nordic Components magazine tube extension to give me 7+1 capacity. Why the 1301? It’s short and compact and handy for indoor use. That’s where most ghosts are found, right? I’d also add an Aimpoint Micro H-2 and Crimson Trace Rail Master Pro. All the action will be in the dark, and I figure a laser will light up a ghost like nobody’s business.

Here’s the real beauty of this solution. Many ghosts aren’t all that irritable, especially the newer ones. Sure, after they’ve been around a few centuries they can get cranky and mean, but for the most part, it’s not necessary to destroy them. That rock salt blast just dissipates ghosts, getting them out of your hair. No long-term harm done. –TM

Dave’s Response

Solid choices, Tom. The Winchester brothers would be proud.

As with other more-supernatural-than-sci-fi creatures, taking out a ghost is more about the ammo than the gun, which just becomes a delivery method. Short of a proton pack and particle thrower from Ghostbusters, rock salt is a great choice and will indeed dissipate a nasty specter, giving you enough time to get out, or just get gone. But if you have a particularly stubborn or dogged spirit, like say the one from It Follows, you might have to get a little more hardcore.

If you dig a bit into some of the more shadowy corners of the occult…cough cough Supernatural on Netflix cough…you learn there’s one gun that can kill any supernatural creature, pretty much.

It’s known simply as The Colt. Those in the know (Supernatural fans) will tell you that, “back in 1835, when Halley’s Comet was overhead, the same night those men died at the Alamo, they say Samuel Colt made a gun, a very special gun.” Sam made it for a man who hunted demons along with 13 special bullets. When used in tandem, they can send any ghost or poltergeist back to the afterworld.

The Colt was based on the Colt Paterson 1836 revolver, which was the first commercial repeating firearm that used a revolving cylinder, so we’re talking pretty low-tech here. As you may have guessed, it was a cap-and-ball revolver, so it’s six shots of .36-caliber ball ammo, and then you’re running. To make it even worse, until 1839, you also had to partially disassemble a Paterson Colt to reload it, so just think of reloading as being nonexistent.

But, even one shot will do it, so you get five mulligans. Not terrible odds.

So all I have to do is get an Uberti replica of a Paterson (which isn’t made anymore either) and some old journal that tells how Sam Colt, Demon Hunter, modified the design and bullets, and then I’m golden. Simple right? A cool thing about this revolver, the Paterson didn’t have a trigger guard—instead, a hidden folding trigger was only revealed when the hammer was cocked. —DM

Michael Myers

Michael Myers, the masked serial killer from the Halloween movies, is introduced in the original film as a regular human—a deranged and homicidal maniac who doesn’t speak, but just a man, who was quite formidable when going up against scared, unarmed, unaware teenaged babysitters in the dark.

At the end, he is shot a number of times by Dr. Loomis (Donal Pleasance) and his Smith & Wesson Model 15 Combat Masterpiece revolver in .38 Special, plus he falls of a second-story balcony. Yet, he still manages to get up and run off, as his body is missing in the final shot.

In the sequel, we see that he follows Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) to the hospital and stalks her there. Loomis again faces off against his former patient and takes a stab to the gut when he discovers his revolver is empty.

But Laurie’s gun isn’t, and she shoots Michael twice. One in each eye. And he keeps coming.

However, Loomis isn’t out of the fight. He sacrifices himself in an oxygen tank explosion that apparently kills them both. After the oddity that was Halloween III, Michael gets supernatural, so we’ll consider the killer from the first two movies the one we have to worry about.

I have to go with something that offers the most complete destruction possible: an AA-12 full-auto shotgun loaded with a drum mag full of FRAG-12 exploding 12 gauge shotgun shells outta do it.

Come back from that, Mikey. —DM

Tom’s Response:

Since Michael Myers seems to pop out suddenly from unexpected places, and usually attacks indoors, I’m going to want something portable like a handgun. He’s proven to prefer up close and personal encounters and I don’t want the bulk of a rifle or shotgun getting in the way of my self-preservation.

Clearly, he’s tough, so it’ll have to be the right gun. I’m going with a Sig Sauer P226 Legion. Instead of the standard 9mm, I’m going to get the model chambered in .357 Sig. This is one of my favorite calibers.

The bottleneck cartridges are exceptionally jam-proof and can launch a 125-grain projectile at almost 1,500 feet per second, so you get excellent penetration and expansion with good hollow-point ammo. This one packs a capacity of 12+1 so you only give up a few rounds to upgrade from 9mm to a harder hitting caliber.

On second thought, let’s go with a pair, and carry them using a dual holster Galco Miami Classic II Shoulder holster system. You can be my squire and tote around a few dozen spare magazines. Deal? —TM

Jason Vorhees

Jason Vorhees is one tough, dead, undead, and re-dead cookie, but he’s got a chink in his armor. Here’s the flaw in Jason’s murder spree plans. He always brings a knife to a gunfight. Unlike all those camp counselors who do boneheaded stuff like walk backward into dark and scary places, I’d be armed with a very special handgun and ammo combination.

I’m choosing an FN FNX 45 Tactical pistol. This is a double-stack .45 ACP, so it holds 15+1 rounds of the fat and slow bullets. Except mine will be fat, but not slow. You see, I’m going to load it with 450 SMC cartridges. Think of those as .45 ACP on steroids. Sharing the same case dimensions as the venerable .45, they’re made from cut down rifle cases, so the brass is strong.

That allows them to be loaded to launch heavier bullets at a greater velocity. Doubletap Ammunition makes a couple of interesting loads. The 230-grain Bonded Defense flings that bullet at 1,130 feet per second. When needed, I can also stuff this pistol with 255-grain hard cast loads that zip along at 1,030 feet per second.

Another reason for choosing the FNX 45 Tactical is that it’s ready for me to attach two very important accessories with no additional modification. It comes ready with optics mounting plates so I’ll add a Trijicon RMR red dot sight. It’s also got a threaded barrel for my SilencerCo Osprey 45. Might as well not wake up the other campers, right? —TM

Dave’s Response

Yeah, Jason is a really tough one, and I don’t know if a .45 ACP, even a particularly fast one, is gonna be enough.

Pretty much everything has been done to this dude and he just won’t die. He’s been set on fire, stabbed, axed, beaten, dragged, drowned (a few times), and shot…a lot. In fact, an entire squad of soldiers emptied their rifles into him, blew him up, and sent him to space. AND HE STILL CAME BACK.

So basically, the only strategy here is to disable or imprison Jason long enough that he becomes the problem of a new generation of campers.

Consequently, I had to do some actual planning here. Like with the mummy, I want a high-capacity firearm to keep Jason at bay and maneuver him where I want, but a handgun just isn’t going to cut it here.

Instead, I’m going to go with a Wilson Combat Recon SR Tactical rifle in .458 SOCOM with a 14.7″ barrel and fitted with a suppressor, to which I will attach a Cressi SL Pneumatic spear gun Tom, you like the .458 for Aliens (scroll down) so I figured you can get behind it here.

Here’s how it’s gonna work. No matter what, Jason just keeps coming at you, and he relies on melee weapons, which means he has to get close. While bullets don’t actually harm him, he can be still be knocked over, knocked down, and damaged. So…I’ll use the rifle to keep him at a good distance until I get him where I want him…you with me so far?

Then, impale him with a barbed arrow from the spear gun, which will be attached via paracord to a boat. Hit Jason with a few more .458 rounds to keep him slow, get in the boat, and drag him out in to the middle of the lake, shorten up the slack as much as possible (and as quickly as possible, because Jason has this weird ability to walk along the bottom of bodies of water and then just kind of…rise up), tie it off to a weight, and drop it.

Then get the hell out of there and wait for some future campers of tomorrow to discover an impaled Jason, waiting under the dark waters of Crystal Lake. This would be a much easier job for two people—get my back with your FN? —DM

Aliens

Because they don’t always come in peace…in space no one can hear you scream…resistance is futile, and a lot of other reasons, when you see flying saucers in the sky, it’s time to arm up. My first instinct was to go the Ellen Ripley route here and choose the M4A1 Pulse Rifle with grenade launcher and taped-on flamethrower, and that’s a totally good option if we’re facing down the Ridley Scott, /James Cameron type of Aliens.

But if we have to worry about all aliens the most badass of all, and the fiercest opponent, woulds undoubtedly be a Predator. And there’s only one gun that ever wounded a Predator in the first two films: Blain’s (Jesse Ventura) Minigun from Predator.

That gun had to be mocked up for the movie, but today we have similar options that are much more viable for practical use, like the XM556 Microgun or an M134. With a long enough belt, you’ll never run out of ammo. —DM

Tom’s Response:

Hmmm. Mini-gun with an ammo box backpack. I like it. A little heavy, but big capacity will be required to punch through any exo-skin-armor suits. It seems like those are popular with extra terrestrials these days.

How do you feel about an alternate approach that relies on bullet mass more than sheer volume of fire? I’m toying around with the idea of an AR with a .458 SOCOM upper receiver. That launches big, and I mean really big, bullets at pretty impressive velocity. Consider a 300-grain projectile moving at 1,900 feet per second. That’s like firing two and a half 9mm bullets at once and making them go almost twice as fast. Nothing to sneeze at, is it?

Since it’s a standard AR-rifle platform reloads are quick and limited only the number of spare magazines you want to lug around. If we’ll be in the weightless conditions of space, I figure a heavy ammo load won’t be as much of a factor anyway.

If we need to be quiet, then you can also get 500 or 600-grain ammo that operates at subsonic speed. Add a suppressor, and those alien bugs will never hear us coming.

Wilson Combat makes a ready-to-go rifle. Since the cartridges are so big and fat, each magazine only holds nine, but that’s the price you pay for a thumper round. —TM

Giant Creatures – King Kong, Godzilla, Cloverfield, Etc.

When the big guys show up to bumble and stumble through your town, it’s time to bring out the big guns. My choice is versatile too. I wanted to use it as our home defense gun until by bride expressed some concern over the potential for collateral damage.

My pick? The MK-19 Automatic Grenade Launcher. Nothing says “I mean business” like 40mm. This belt-fed wonder hurls grenades like Godzilla tosses city busses. The effective range is 1,500 meters, but it will reach out to 2,200 in a pinch. That’s a bonus feature for dealing with Epic Radioactive Insects because you never want to get too close to those.

Granted, there are some drawbacks. As it’s tripod-mounted, you can’t really fire it from the shoulder (and live) but the 40 to 60 round per minute rate of fire is handy.

Sure, it’s a little unwieldy for home defense, and the collateral damage to the furniture could be deemed a bit excessive, but I think it’s a stellar solution to hand-to-giant-monster combat. —TM

Dave’s Response

When you’re talking colossal monsters that can take out buildings, it’s a no-holds barred type situation—and that means you gotta break out the biggest guns you can.

Let’s start with a monster the size of say King Kong. The original Kong was about 24 feet tall, based on the scenes in New York City (though he’s smaller on Skull Island), which is about the size he was in the 2005 remake. While I’d rather be firing some anti-tank rounds at him with…a tank, we’re keeping it handheld here.

In which case, I can’t see any need for a second shot if the first is made with an FGM-148 Javelin anti-tank missile launcher.

The good thing about the Javelin is it’s a fire-and-forget weapon, which means it uses an automatic infrared guidance system that allows the user to seek immediate cover from a bus being thrown at you by a giant gorilla after launch. And since it’s a guided system, there’s little chance of missing.

But the reason for my choice has more to do with the Javelin missile, which uses a tandem warhead that utilizes an explosive shaped charge to create a stream of super plastically deformed metal formed from trumpet-shaped metallic liners, resulting in a narrow high velocity particle stream that can penetrate the armor of a modern tank. That means the missiles, once it punches a hole in something, creates a superheated stream of molten metal that is then blasted through the hole. No chance even a 24-foot gorilla is making it through that.

But, if we’re talking about something the size of Godzilla, we’re in a little trouble. The big lizard is between 250 and 350 feet tall, depending on the movie (and Kong is 100 feet tall in the newer Kong: Skull Island) so it’s a little hard to imagine an anti-tank missile doing much good against a creature that can toss a tank around like a matchbox car. And we can’t go nuclear, because that’s just like giving Godzilla some Gatorade.

I’d dust off a relic from the bloated German arsenal from the 1930s and 40s: the Schewere Gustave and Dora, two railway guns that weighed 1350 tons each, and were the largest-caliber rifled weapon every used, with the heaviest shells to boot.

The twin guns were built by Krupp to destroy the main forts of the Maginot Line with 7-ton, 800mm shells, which could be launched a distance of 29 miles. While Dora was destroyed in 1945 to avoid capture by the Red Army, American soldiers captured Gustav near the end of the war. Get that sucker in the right spot and fire a 7-ton shell from a couple miles away…I think that would put a nice hole in Godzilla, or Mothra, or a super-sized Kong. —DM